Thursday, February 08, 2007

Yeah, probably.

When I was a kid, I used to take my Gerbil, Nibbles, and put him into all manner of probably-uncomfortable-for-a-Gerbil situations that were some ridiculous attempt to vicariously do things that I, as a human, could never do. For example, I would put him in my plastic Ferrari, tape the windows shut, and ramp the Ferrari off of a cardboard box. I always thought it would be fun, so of course, my Gerbil should. Right?

I had a relatively large plastic C-130 cargo plane that was large enough to fit Bucket 'o Soldier sized army tanks and soldiers into, meaning this thing was roughly three feet long, and had a 'cargo bay' you could fit a kids arm in easily. Once again, I'd place my Gerbil inside, and fly him around the house, occasionally getting shot down, and coming to rest (rather violently) on the kitchen floor.

Of all the things I did, I'm sure there is one thing that really made the Gerbil the most upset. One day, for some reason or another, I found that if you take a Gerbil, place him in the center of a pillow, you can then fold the pillow in half, with the Gerbil stuck snugly in the center, then very quickly pull the pillow edges apart, leveling out the pillow, and sending little Nibbles high into the air. As a child, it never occurred to me that for a human, this may be fun, but for a small little animal with a heart rate that can top 450 beats per minute, this is freaking homicidal.

Imagine with me for a moment. You're a Gerbil. A baby Gerbil. No cares, no worries except making sure that you get yourself fed. At some point, some giant in a blue shirt with a square piece of plastic bearing the name "Jennifer" grabs you out of the cage, taking you away from your brothers and sisters, and most especially, your mom. Traumatic event 1. Now, you are transported in a small cage, bumped, poked, prodded, and touched by these giant giggling fanatics who act like they've never seen a small living creature with fur. Traumatic event 2. Now, one of these idiotic, most-irritating fools pulls you out of your cage, but lulls you into a false sense of security by placing you on a nice, soft bedding. Suddenly, the edges of the bedding close in on you. I'm sure, to a Gerbil, this alone seems very alarming. The darkness surrounds you, and you realize, you are stuck. There's no getting out. There's no way...
The edges open up, the sky brightens, you can see the light, and then you feel about 4 G forces (Gerbil forces) of acceleration upwards, and end up smacking the ceiling. Traumatic event final.

Ok, now substitute traumatic event 1, 2, and final with things that have happened this week, and you are now somewhat more educated as to how my life feels.